I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
