Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
