Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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