I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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