I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
