shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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