I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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