saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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