I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
