so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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