apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
