were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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