Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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