yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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