We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
