you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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