yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
