dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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