I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm passing your future prison.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize