he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
