she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize