dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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