He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
