So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
