i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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