i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
someone owes me an orgasm
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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