Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
