We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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