Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
