Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
