Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
