I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
