i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
