I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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