I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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