Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
whose parrot is this?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
