I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
