Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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