I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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