so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
