I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
