So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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