don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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