I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
