How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
