meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
