I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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