My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
