She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
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