don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
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the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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