ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
