my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
