Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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